ramble on.

i feel them returning, and i’m sooooo excited – welcome back, passion, motivation, and inspiration! i’ve missed you…

adversity drives innovation. creativity too, i guess you could say – why else would i be writing in this blog, right? there is a limit though, before the adversity becomes too much to bear and instead of fostering creativity and innovation, stifles everything beyond mere survival. in a life or death situation, fine – in the perils of daily life, not so much. i’d say that my posts from the past few months have been a pretty indicative stream of my personal “perils” (i’m ashamed to call them that, really), citing everything from boy trouble to job trouble to culture shock to the stress associated with finding your place and building your new reality – all by yourself. i do realize that these are not perils as in, life or death-type things, but i would say that they’ve shaped me in a way. how could they not?

well, when i look back on these past few months – months spent in places as diverse as santiago, chile and fayetteville, ga, usa – months spent with people from all over the world – months spent with family, without, with friends, with adversaries, with discomfort, with bliss, with despair – i see myself getting through them. i see myself seeking always to overcome, and in the end (in a way), i have. i similarly see that this wasn’t the point, but i also see that though in theory i could’ve done more for my personal growth y eso, i didn’t because i was missing this delicate balance between adversity and comfort, challenge and confidence.

the personal blows of rejection letter after rejection letter can’t help but bruise you after awhile, as do those of break-ups, being torn from a comfortable environment, and being sent out to “do your thing” with your supposed knowledge of self-preservation gained after 24 years. passion for an idea and a cause, something i took for granted for so many years in aeisec, not so surprisingly wasn’t present. obviously. it bothered me, to be honest. i felt the absence deeply – the void itself, the absence of its heat in everyday life – but at the same time, really didn’t know what i could do about it. it’s one thing to say you’ll do something, it’s quite another to follow through.

now that i write warm from my bed – comfortable, confident, sure – i again feel my old friends creeping back, and i couldn’t be more excited. i’m definitely still dealing with adversity in my life, but nothing close to the types of things i felt holding me back even as little as 1.5 months ago – and now, instead of holding me back, i feel this new adversity setting me free in a way.

december has already brought a few firsts, only after a week, and i have high expectations for the rest of the year. 2010 has been a crazy one, for sure – starting with summer, ending with winter, chile, united states, peru, italy, uruguay, argentina, earthquakes, break-ups, hook-ups, unemployment, employment, stability, constant change, moving, staying put, family, old friends, new friends, new old friends, inspiration, laziness, creativity, monotony, bikes, volunteering, nature, cities, people. people. people – but it’s not over yet, and there’s still so much left to do. the word of the year will be terremoto (earthquake), i think, when all is said and done, as my very foundations have been completely stressed to their limits, broken, and are now being rebuilt in my own unique way.

maybe next time, i’ll be more prepared, maybe not. here’s to hoping though that next time i’ll have enough strength, confidence, and courage to stare my opposition in the face, handle it, and move on.

from jorts to jean jackets

we’re to mid-october now – it should be pleno otoño. as usual, though, atlanta has chosen to grace us with cool, almost fall-esque nights and warm, sunny days. i can’t complain too much, though it’s still a bit warm to start wearing my new fall clothes. well, all this aside, the subtle yet undeniable change in the weather (from the 95-degree days of summer) has really provided the backdrop for reflection, as usual. i’ve written before about fall and how it makes me pensive, and as luck would have it, i get to have two this year. double the pensar, double the fun, right?

flaunting the jean jacket

so as the weather has changed from jorts to jean jacket-worthy, i’ve finally been able to reflect on the similarly subtle yet undeniable changes happening in my own life, in my own perspective.

this past month i’ve felt the best i’ve felt in months, probably since my health and happiness stint in march. it comes not completely out of the blue i guess, especially if you draw parallels with what was going on around then. though i haven’t been as committed to the gym as i was when i first joined, i’ve been going only for relaxation and static strength classes, namely, yoga and pilates – i love them. i ride my bike for at least 1 hour a day, sometimes more. i drink mate as i apply to various jobs. speaking of jobs, i’m having second interviews. i’ve ceased to feel the (at first) gaping hole left by the men (we’re talking, boyfriends) constantly in my life for the past 6 years. friends are amazing, family too, confidence – yes. it’s probably this last thing, to be honest, that’s made all the difference.

it creeps up on you, and it’s definitely a process. i wrote before about having and gaining confidence, and in the moment, i felt that i had – i now see this not as the final destination, but progress. every day is a challenge, obviously, and not every one can end favorably – we all have ups and downs. it’s amazing what a little bit of confidence can do, though, in terms of opening your mind.

though project photography has (as yet) failed to show any financial progress, just the idea, the thought, the initial effort has produced a creativity ripple effect, let’s say, in everything. it’s amazing how one tiny thing that makes you so happy can in turn lead you to something else, which in turn leads you only to more things that make you similarly happy. and i don’t mean only in photography – “what if” in one instance carries over to other art forms (pumkin carving counts), job prospects, engineering solutions, etc. it also serves to help you identify and deal with sources of negative energy in your life. it’s amazing how much even one source can stifle you without you even noticing.

artistic inspiration - channeling picasso

biking has produced a similar effect, but more in terms of health. food is to be savored but appreciated for its effect on your body – transportation takes on a whole new meaning, as does cause, effect, effort, and reward – stretching and relaxation have a place and furthermore, a purpose in daily routine. keep in mind that both, project photography and the biking, are things that i decided to do for myself. both are things in which i have limited to no experience. both are unrelated, at first glance, to my job search and my personal happiness. both have had incredible effects on all of the above.

healthy inspiration

so as i’ve seen my pictures shift from those of summer to those of fall, my outfits from jorts to jean jackets, i’ve become more keenly aware of the interconnectedness of feelings with activities, and both with decisions. it’s a conscious decision to be unhappy, i’ve decided. it’s also a conscious decision to look for, find, and make the most of your situation to truly maximize your happiness, and beyond that, confidence. whereas before i saw my job search culminating in finding a decent position and filling my days with work, i’m now realizing that my job search has already accomplished much more than that – basically, has forced me to see the positions and myself in a different way. it’s a different way, then, to view what i’ve always wanted to do, not just a means to a financial end, not just a way to pass the time, but a powerful position from which to make an impact. it’s conscious, it’s inspired, it’s fulfilling.

to think of it that way is different than how i saw it when i first arrived home at the end of may, different than how i have been seeing it for the past months. no day is empty and no moment uninspired, not if you don’t want it to be.

be conscious. be inspired. i promise, life will be more fun.

terremoto.

It was quite a week last week.

I’m sure most of you that aren’t even in Chile heard about the 8.8 scale earthquake that rocked the country early in the morning last Saturday. Luckily for me in Santiago, about 200 miles from the epicenter, there wasn’t too much damage – Nothing like what they’re still dealing with in the South. I feel like it would be more effective to tell my personal experience with the earthquake in person – I can make the faces and gestures and everything. What I kind of wanted to talk about was the impression that this natural disaster (my first like this) left on me and where I’m going from here, after this past week of both external and internal terremotos.

I guess I never wrote it explicitly here, but now that I’ve come to better terms with it, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to write about my internal terremoto from last week – My breakup with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. It was a shock, yes. Very sudden for me after a short limbo and dread of the future. Well, it’s probably better this way – No need to dread what’s already happened and dreading the future is never a good way to go anyway…

It makes you reevaluate how you spend your time, how you treat yourself, how you treat others. You open your horizons a little bit, your plans change a little bit (or maybe you just throw them out the window), you start looking forward a little more while trying not to look back. That’s hard at first, to not look back, or look back and know how you need to handle it. This first week, the week leading up to the huge terremoto in Chile, was hard. Very hard. Someone that’s been a huge part of your life in a lot of ways, all of sudden, isn’t. You change your routine. Your habits. Your view on a lot of things, including what the hell you were doing before. I hung out with a lot of new people and went to new places last week. I ate differently, cleaned more, ran until my legs couldn’t take it anymore, and slept snuggled into my covers every night exhausted from the effort.

But you know what? It was ok. I was alive. I knew people had it worse than me, but it was still hard not to see the world with a little gray tint over everything…

Friday night was a night like this. I went out to a great dinner at the house of a friend of a friend. We drank a little, but in anticipation for waking up early the next morning to go to the beach, I went home early instead of heading out with some other friends. I snuggled into my covers like every night before. 1.5 hrs later, the world was shaking. It would be a lie to say that we felt the full impact of the earthquake on the 7th floor of our beasty apartment building in Santiago. But it was enough.

It’s amazing the things that cross your mind when you feel like there’s a real possibility that you might die. Who you think about. Times in your life. Yourself. How you’re living.

The terremoto shook me inside and out, and just as the breakup had done a week before, again I was thinking, changing, and doing. I’ve decided that the past belongs in the past. I’ve decided that it’s possible to start over without forgetting – I’ve also decided that it’s always better to forgive.

I’ll never quite be the same after last week, a week that took shaking to a whole new level. I have 3 months left in Santiago, well, Southern Cone. And this is what I’m going to do:

– Go forward and just look back with a smile

– Forgive

– Live every moment to it’s fullest

– Sleep outside

– Hug and kiss all the people that matter to me as much as I can

– Eat amazing food and drink amazing drinks

– Push myself

– Leave the world open

– Do my job well

– Smile

Let’s see what this week brings… Next week, Peru.