ramble on.

i feel them returning, and i’m sooooo excited – welcome back, passion, motivation, and inspiration! i’ve missed you…

adversity drives innovation. creativity too, i guess you could say – why else would i be writing in this blog, right? there is a limit though, before the adversity becomes too much to bear and instead of fostering creativity and innovation, stifles everything beyond mere survival. in a life or death situation, fine – in the perils of daily life, not so much. i’d say that my posts from the past few months have been a pretty indicative stream of my personal “perils” (i’m ashamed to call them that, really), citing everything from boy trouble to job trouble to culture shock to the stress associated with finding your place and building your new reality – all by yourself. i do realize that these are not perils as in, life or death-type things, but i would say that they’ve shaped me in a way. how could they not?

well, when i look back on these past few months – months spent in places as diverse as santiago, chile and fayetteville, ga, usa – months spent with people from all over the world – months spent with family, without, with friends, with adversaries, with discomfort, with bliss, with despair – i see myself getting through them. i see myself seeking always to overcome, and in the end (in a way), i have. i similarly see that this wasn’t the point, but i also see that though in theory i could’ve done more for my personal growth y eso, i didn’t because i was missing this delicate balance between adversity and comfort, challenge and confidence.

the personal blows of rejection letter after rejection letter can’t help but bruise you after awhile, as do those of break-ups, being torn from a comfortable environment, and being sent out to “do your thing” with your supposed knowledge of self-preservation gained after 24 years. passion for an idea and a cause, something i took for granted for so many years in aeisec, not so surprisingly wasn’t present. obviously. it bothered me, to be honest. i felt the absence deeply – the void itself, the absence of its heat in everyday life – but at the same time, really didn’t know what i could do about it. it’s one thing to say you’ll do something, it’s quite another to follow through.

now that i write warm from my bed – comfortable, confident, sure – i again feel my old friends creeping back, and i couldn’t be more excited. i’m definitely still dealing with adversity in my life, but nothing close to the types of things i felt holding me back even as little as 1.5 months ago – and now, instead of holding me back, i feel this new adversity setting me free in a way.

december has already brought a few firsts, only after a week, and i have high expectations for the rest of the year. 2010 has been a crazy one, for sure – starting with summer, ending with winter, chile, united states, peru, italy, uruguay, argentina, earthquakes, break-ups, hook-ups, unemployment, employment, stability, constant change, moving, staying put, family, old friends, new friends, new old friends, inspiration, laziness, creativity, monotony, bikes, volunteering, nature, cities, people. people. people – but it’s not over yet, and there’s still so much left to do. the word of the year will be terremoto (earthquake), i think, when all is said and done, as my very foundations have been completely stressed to their limits, broken, and are now being rebuilt in my own unique way.

maybe next time, i’ll be more prepared, maybe not. here’s to hoping though that next time i’ll have enough strength, confidence, and courage to stare my opposition in the face, handle it, and move on.

get busy.

i never learned how to sit still. sleep late. spend the entire day watching tv. stay inside. i just can’t do it, and if i manage to, i either feel guilty about it or so antsy that i can’t concentrate on anything except expending that energy. sometimes, this is a good thing – sometimes, i wish i could just sit still and truly chill out. despite this constant need for movement, activity, and change, i’m a pretty relaxed person in a lot of ways – in my current position, however, i’m already starting again in getting involved in pretty much anything i can get my hands on, which i’m not sure is the best idea right now. i mean, after such an intense year full of life experiences with incredible people, it wouldn’t make any sense to just come back and start picking up the pieces you left behind and grabbing at all of the new ones like a baby grabbing at shiny objects – totally randomly – right?

MC Evolution - The Beginning (June 2009)

my mc term officially ended at midnight tuesday night, so really more like wednesday. yesterday was my first day not checking myaiesec.net in the morning, scrambling to answer emails from my vp’s and from my team, etc – basically my routine for the past year. i was reminded of a year before, my first day working as mc. the elation. happiness. fear. anxiety.

none of those things were present. so what did i do yesterday, my first day after finishing one of the most intense and amazing experiences of my life? too much.

MC Evolution - The End (May 2010)

i spent 2.5 hours in the gym in the morning. i tutored (my new part-time job). i cooked. i went to a baseball game. i hung out with my family and some friends. i was busy, mentally and physically, absolutely all day. i had no chance to reflect.

today was no better. again i went to the gym for hours in the morning. again i cooked. i went to run errands. i went out with friends. plus, today, i went to sign up to volunteer at an outdoor day camp for the rest of the summer. again, no reflection.

i’m worried that if i don’t do it now i never will, but i just can’t let myself be “idle,” though i know it wouldn’t be that exactly. at the same time, i know it’s so important to really have the chance to think about the experience and how i want to see it impacting in my future plans and just my current life in general. if i wouldn’t melt as soon as i stepped outside, i’d sit in my front yard, look at the trees, and just think – it’s so hot here, however, that this would be impossible during the day and at night too for all of the mosquitoes.

i’m also doing constant, informal networking to see what will pop up in the job market – busier still then. so how do i balance it?

how can i learn to just sit still?

take care of yourself first.

the head and the heart don’t always agree. your wishes and reality don’t always agree. well, that’s just how it is.

it’s hard to accept that something you’ve believed to be true for a long time never was, just as it’s hard to pick up the pieces of yourself that fall away every time you break the change barrier. when i came to chile, the shock was big, but not as big as it had been when i went to brazil. maybe because i had gone to brazil first. who knows. anyway, i got used to my life here, living with my mc roommates, hanging out with the random people i met along the way, traveling always, being anchored somewhere never, enjoying life but always wishing for something more.

my something more came at the end of september after a much anticipated month of waiting and my glorious experience with a runaway horse in pichilemu. it was wonderful, exactly what i thought i wanted and needed. but it was like first coming to chile in a way, or really, more like brazil. it was still a change, and as it happens with one change, the others follow. my lifestyle drastically changed in chile and all of a sudden, it was a new place. completely new. amazing how one change can affect that. but it was a change that wasn’t all it seemed. unfortunately, that happens sometimes, fortunately in other times.

i’m not sure yet which one this is. it’s different because it’s almost as if i’ve gone back in time, but in a different season. the people are different. the weather (and so my activities) are different. i’m different. but the situation is almost the same. either way, i’m back where i started, just a little more broken for the impact. it’ll heal, i know, but it takes time. and strength. and confidence. and a little bit of vanity – yup, i’ve been told that i have to take care of myself first before i can even think about taking care of anyone else.

i’ve always eaten more or less healthily. worked out more or less 4 times a week since the time i was 14. i take vitamins. i brush my teeth 3 times a day. but that’s not it. i’m healthy, yes, and i’ve always been pretty happy. but it’s not that kind of taking care of yourself, i’ve realized, and it’s something that i’m learning all over again from my time in brazil.

when i arrived in brazil, i was homesick and had major culture shock. i’d traveled before and was so upset with myself for being so shocked and homesick for 3 weeks, i remember that clearly. after i let it go, though, it was amazing. i’d go back to brazil in a heartbeat – well, as soon as i have a new visa in my passport. but that’s what it’s about now – patience. i need to accept that i’m broken, which i’ve never liked to do. i never like to admit that i’ve been defeated or that i can’t do it. well, you know what? in this case, it’s not so much that i’ve been defeated, but that i’ve been changed, and this change has caused in me a shock that right now i have to accept. i have to accept that i’m shocked. i have to accept that i’m not in my normal mood right now. and after accepting it, work on it.

i can’t forget and chastise myself this time – that’s not what will heal me.

this me, this is where i am, this is how i am, this is who i am (for now), and this is where i want to go – so what’s next?

“singin’ this’ll be the day that i die…”

what would you do if you knew the exact date of your death? how would you feel? how would you try to take advantage of it? or prepare yourself?

i don’t want to be morbid, and i’m not really talking about physical death – more like, the death of an era, the death of a time in my life. it’s coming, and i’m not sure how to prepare, exactly. or take advantage of the time i have left. i leave southern cone in 4 months – 4 months, then, until starting all over. new place, new people, new job, new everything.

so now, as i’m starting to feel torn between wanting to stay forever and knowing that i need to leave to move on to the next phase in my life, i’m not sure how to feel or how to prepare, exactly. or to take advantage of the time i have left.

every death is a new beginning, i know, a birth – but birth is painful, birth is difficult, birth is a strong experience in itself. i’m not sure where i want to nor need to be, and right now i don’t really care. a constant for me will cease to be so sooner than i’d care to admit, and that’s it. all there is to it.

life is very simple when you think about it that way. now the question is: what do you do with the aftermath of the change?

a memory and a smile :)

so the other day, while driving to school, i was suddenly inspired to abandon my ipod (in the car at least) for the day in favor of some of my mix cd’s from high school (yes, they are still in my car, ha ha :D). not sure why, exactly. fall has always had that effect on me though, making me reflective, nostalgic, and pensive about all of my falls before. weird, i know.

i love fall. the leaves are beautiful, granted, but it’s something more than that…there’s something about the air that just breathes of living the moment and all of those before it. symbolically, as my high school ap literature teacher would say, fall is the coming of the end, of death. but i don’t know, i guess the death of one thing is the birth of another in a way, and it hits me more in the fall than the spring…and besides, i’ve had a lot of beginnings in the fall 🙂

so when i chose, the other day, to listen to my first cd mix aptly called “shove it!” (to express my sentiments about my newly broken heart in my senior year of high school), it brought me right back to sitting in the parking lot with my friends in my car with the heat running to keep out the cold (gas was cheaper then, ha ha)…it didn’t make me sad, though, which i now realize looking back, i was sad for awhile (first love, ya know). i’ve noticed that too, that no matter how many terrible things have happened in the fall, in the past, when that crisp air brings me back to that time, it never brings those feelings, only the good things. it’s not that i’ve blocked them out, i remember them clearly. hm.

fall makes me think of football, of halloween, of freedom, of promise, of love, of life, of death, of firsts, of lasts, of color, of warmth, of softness, of wine, of laughter, of relaxation, of action, of promises, of kisses, of ends, but of new beginnings too.

i guess everyone has their thing that just clicks with them, that just puts them in their element, that triggers their imaginations and their creativity. not that a season in and of itself can do all those things…in my case, music helps a lot, for instance. smells too. but really, i wouldn’t have it any other way.

🙂